Depression is Real It Has No Face

Depression? Ada yang seram dengar perkataan ni kan. Macam ‘taboo’ pulak rasanya. Sesuatu yang tak patut disebut-sebut apetah lagi dihebahkan kepada orang disekeliling.

I’m here to write about depression from my very own point of view. Menulis sebagai seorang yang pernah dan sedang mengalami depresi. Menulis dari pengalaman sendiri, bukan dari sudut pandangan profesional mahupun pakar psikiatri. Idea menulis pengalaman sendiri ni muncul ketika event Shaklee pada hari Sabtu (3.2.2018)  yang lepas ketika memandang wajah mentor kesayangan (you know who you are dear)

Firstly, I never knew I was depressed. All I know was I need to take sleeping pills since I started feeling lonely, anxiety and had insomnia. That was when I was 18 years old. I started seeing doctors on my own and they prescribed me with sleeping pills. Dan sejak itu lah daku bergantung pada sleeping pills. Asal habis je terus gi jumpa doktor.

Daku tahu ramai kawan-kawan akan terkejut bila baca pasal ni. That’s why I said, depression has no face. I can laugh all day when I’m with friends, I can be your shoulder to cry on and I can also be a good listener but deep down inside I had a demon that secretly hiding in my heart. Oh..do I really have a heart? Because sometimes I don’t feel it beating inside me.

Jujurnya daku tak boleh duduk bersendirian. Walaupun ketika depresi daku lebih suka duduk seorang diri. Tetapi ketika itulah segala macam berita, ramalan cuaca mahupun imaginasi pelik akan berlegar-legar di fikiran. Daku masih ingat ketika masih di sekolah menengah, daku biasa duduk berkurung sendirian dalam bilik. Rasa takut nak hadapi dunia. Ingatkan masa tu cuma akibat perubahan fasa masa remaja.

Agak-agak apa yang buatkan daku depres ye? Sebenarnya diri sendiri pun takde jawapan yang tepat. I’m not sure what really trigger that emotional feeling. Kadang-kadang rasa macam loser! Rasa macam kelahiranku atas dunia ni takde fungsi dan hanya akan menyusahkan orang di sekeliling. Feels like I don’t belong in the society, I don’t have any story to share, I don’t have anyone to talk to. Feels like no one will understand me. So I choose to be alone but then again all sort of things and imagination will run wild in my head.

What should I do then? Should I go out and talk to someone? Should I just sit in the park where there are lots of people and watch them? Tak tahu.. Serius tak tahu nak buat apa. Dan bukan kali pertama si anak ‘tangkap’ mama nya yang tiba-tiba mengalirkan airmata. Dengan muka pelik dia akan tanya ‘Mama kenapa nangis?’

This is just the beginning.. you guys will read a lot more story about my depression later. I finally decided to blog about it to keep track of how many time do I feel like this. For the sake of my family, for my son. I need a healthy mind and body so I can take care of my family for the rest of my life. And I don’t want to be a burden to them.  If you are reading this till the end, please pray for me. It really means a lot to me.

mamavogue

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